The "It" Thing

Do you ever wonder what it would be like? I don't even know what the "it" would truly be. Sometimes when I am watching a show, I am so drawn to a character and I begin to think about what it would be like to be them. Not the actor, but the character. Sometimes those characters are ones that make me question everything. I think from "Sharp Objects" with Amy Adams, that I am drawn to the dark sides of her character - Camille. Camille is a journalist, she has a lot of inner demons that she hasn't dealt with in her life. I feel like, that is a deeply hidden part of me. One that feels like things just aren't "right". I'm not sure what "right" is, but I just never seem to feel comfortable. I feel lacking or wanting. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel stuck? I think. I don't know. I think part of me wishes that I was something bigger, more important, doing something that involved mysteries or intrigue. Something that draws me in. I still wish I could be a writer. I don't think I feel that teaching is my true calling, but I don't know what my calling might be or should be. Flapping around, like a shirt on a clothesline on a windy day, I'm doing what I "should" be doing - teaching, being a mom, running my house - but it's not what I "want" to be doing. I want adventure. I want people to look to me and go "wow" - I wish I was her. I don't think anyone thinks that about me. I know that my family doesn't think that about me. I feel trapped. Stuck. Lost. Aimless. I want to be drawn to something. Almost with a need to be drawn to whatever it is. I don't want it to be a bad thing that I'm drawn to, but something that makes me feel whole. Is writing my "thing"? Who knows. I know that I used to have 2 semi-decent stories written - well, one written that needed a lot more substance to it, but it had a good storyline. The other, I had chapters of. I don't know if I have that anymore. I know that my webpage with the chapters and story written on it, has since been removed - I think. It's now a pizza page. Are those stories lost forever? Maybe they weren't worth it to start with, but it was still a part of me. I feel like I'm being pulled in with an undertow and no matter how hard I swim horizontally to the shore, I can't get out of the pull. I'm getting tired. Tired of pushing and swimming and hoping that something will change or click into place - that I'll suddenly be strong enough to get out of the deep. I don't feel strong. I just feel tired. Very tired.